Connected, but alone!

This story starts with my ride home by the UMass shuttle. As someone put it, in the 'land of infinite parking lots' even UMass has some 4 odd parking lots away from the main campus, its a good thing because two of them are close to my home and so I dont have to walk back home. Back to the story, the first parking lot is't used a lot and so the driver asks the passengers if anyone has parked in the first parking lot. Today there were 4 passengers, including me out of which 2 had parked in the first lot. Unfortunately for them the driver was new on this route and it seems he was a bit lost in his own world. So, he forgot the stop the shuttle at the first stop. But as the shuttle passed the first lot I looked at the 2 females who wanted to get down at the first lot. Unfortunately for them, none of them realized they had missed their stop. I couldnt tell them that they missed there stop because I was listening to music on my phone (also I wanted to see how long it takes for them to realize that they missed the stop..:p). Why? Because both of them were engrossed in there phones, staying 'connected' with their social life.

Those who have been in US even for a few weeks would know that this is what we see in any kind of public place- people and their phones. After getting back home, I started my computer and the first thing I did was check my mail and then the facebook news feeds where someone had posted a tedtalk video by the same title as this blog, well not exactly the same- she had a '?', I have a '!'..:) But coincidentally that talk was very similar to what I was thinking about after the shuttle incident and so a lot of this blog is influenced by that talk. But the thoughts are original. The talk helped me frame them in a better way. :)

http://www.ted.com/talks/sherry_turkle_alone_together.html 

There was nothing I could think of that would explain what I wanted to say in a better way than this title.
To get to the point directly, the technology that we are getting with the aim of getting the world closer is actually  making us lonelier.  No doubt its the it helps us connect with our old friends who are thousands of  miles away but what about the people that are around us? The friends that we can potentially make?

Just take the example of the shuttle. I have been here for just about 6 months. Most of the times that I use it, I know half the people in it. There is always a group of people that you see at a particular time. I remember when I was a kid I used to travel to my tuition/ cricket coaching by PMT regularly. Since from where I started was the first stop I could sit on the same seat everyday. There were people who travelled by the same bus like me. After the first few days you start exchanging smiles with them and then just someday you or someone starts talking. Then, in that #90 bus I made two friends. One was an old guy who traveled at the same time and other the conductor of the bus. Especially the conductor who after a few months started sitting next to me and we used to talk about a lot of random stuff. Sadly I never got to travel without ticket (moral: not all friends are useful..:p). But this, I can never imagine it happening here. People are so busy in there own world, they dont care about actually trying to have a conversation with others.

Recently I have heard a lot of people saying "who needs people? I have enough friends. I dont need anymore". Is this really true? Man being a social animal, can he actually reach a state where he doesnt need to connect with people physically around him. The more I thought about this, the more it became clearer. The feeling of being alone is what makes people converse. This apparent antisocial instinct stem from the illusion that technology has created. As Sherry puts it- the illusion of companionship. Devices like phones always keep you connected with the things you wish to be with. Its almost like you can choose the world you want to be in, even if it means missing your stop.

Humans by nature feel the need to fit in. They are constantly in search of a niche. Most of the times people think its difficult to fit in the world given to  them. Time usually helps you to fit in which makes you feel apparently comfortable. Maybe this is the reason why people are afraid of change. Example for this, lab rotations- for the first week in the new lab, the older lab always seems to be the better one except in conditions if the previous one was really bad. This vulnerability of human nature, the fear of change is where technology gets us. The pseudo-companionship it offers is too tempting to not fall for it. Sunday evening we celebrated the birthday of one of my friends who is currently in London. We had a group chat through google hangout, he cut the cake, we sang etc etc. I admit it really felt amazing to do that. But if I think about it, it wasn't actually that fun. For one I couldn't eat the Colombian coffee cake! Hangout was a good substitute though, but its nothing close to actually being there, wishing him and giving the birthday bumps. It was a good substitute, but that's all it was, a substitute.

Another apparent advantage of technology is the power to customize. It creates a shell for you the way you want it. While on the other hand, people, the closer they are, the more are the chances that they are going to hurt you by doing something you wouldnt expect them to. In other words people arent customizable. Humans need someone they can depend on. As children we need our parents, as teenagers we need friends, later our spouse and then our progeny. But more often than expected these people we depend on do hurt us. But technology doesn't. It creates an environment just as you would wish for. You can easily avoid interacting with people you dont want to, do something you like even in places you dont enjoy being in. But this makes us so comfortable that we voluntarily seclude ourselves like I didn't take the trouble to tell the females they missed their stop because I was busy listening to a song I liked and to tell them I would have had to talk to people I didn't know.

Combining the need to fit in, fear of change and the power of customization, technology is actually making us even lonelier. Even in a place 6000 miles away from our homes we are not trying to make new friends, let alone making friends, not even taking the efforts to connect to people around us. This is all because of technology and the illusion of proximity of our past connections. As in the example Sherry gave, can a robot mimicking to be a mother's dead son actually substitute for him?

One of the things that I really miss here is sitting on a katta with my friends and being bored.. However, bored we got, we still hung on to each other, even talking about how boring it was to just sit there. But in retrospect, these are the things that actually brought us closer. Here, even by a slight sign of impending boredom, people immediately get their phones out and try to connect to some other source of social interaction.
While traveling in a group supposedly on a trip, they have headphones in their ears and facebook wall in their hands.

Are we this weak? Are we this afraid of feeling lonely? Does the fear of change affect us so much? Is the feeling of being in our own world so important? Sometimes solitude is nice. It helps you realize what are the things that actually mean something to you. Who knows you might be surprised to know that a lot of seemingly new things/ people also have an important place in your life and these might need some more of your attention.

Just once try to look at people around you in the bus or around your work bench. People are ready to listen if you are ready to tell. You dont  have to go to your facebook wall to get someone to listen to you. Just look up and you will see someone there ready to listen and if you are lucky, even understand. 
A million likes cannot substitute for the empathy you see in the eyes of a single person in front of you. 

Jeanne

It is time for post two! Since a lot of you complained, this time its a new post not a new blog. :p
Since, I am again going to write about a person, I thought keep a few things from last time. So, its just the name, even though I know her full name. :)
This post is about my current PI/ boss, Jeanne. She is the sweetest person I have seen in last 5-6 months in Worcester and since I wanted to write about some person, I thought why not her. She is 5' 2", old and so all grey hair, doesn't seem intimidating, but definitely is authoritative. She is a very famous scientist in her field of work and so always has a lot of work. Loves talking! her usual attire is black jeans, cotton shirt, a sweater or a jacket over it and a nice scarf around her neck. She almost always has different specs everyday. Must be easily above 55 but is extremely active, running from one room to another all through the day. Funniest thing about her is that she sort of squeaks when she laughs. A lot of people mock her by trying to imitate that laugh, but its pretty difficult to reproduce that sound. She has short grey hair and often likes to flick locks of her hair that are on her forehead. . To give you a rough idea, I think she looks like a very old Uma Thurman. A lot older than the one in the photo. The reason why I think she is really sweet is because of two events. Well, two significant ones.

First, on the first day that I went to the lab, they had a lab meet. According to the tradition of their lab, they usually have lab meets over lunch. It seems they started this because, as I said before, she loves to talk and so even though the meeting is supposed to be for 3 hrs, if goes for about 3 hrs. But I usually don't like to do that, one because food is a big distraction when you are trying to think and second (the more important one) is that I have a slice of cheese pizza everyday. :) So, basically I was the only one without lunch. Everyone came in, settled in their places and started to have their food. Jeanne was the last one to come in. She had a box of meatball pasta in her hands. She walked up to me and said, "Umm...would you like to have half of it? I don't think I can finish it." Unfortunately, even though I was hungry, I had to say no because it had a big 'meatball' label on it. :p But just she saying that was very nice.

Second was a funny event. To give you a background, in USA, from at least what I have seen, no one drinks water. Its either coke or beer. So, I guess most of the water fountains don't get a lot of drinkers. There is one such deserted water fountain between the lab I am working in and Jeanne's office. On my second day in the lab, I went out for some water.  Just as I was about to finish drinking, she walked past me. She walked a few paces, stopped turned back and asked me, "Hmm..How does the water taste?". I was a little shocked at the question, who won't be? All I could manage to say was that it tasted 'normal'. Then she said, " I haven't seen anyone drinking water from this fountain for quite some time. Its good? Ok. Let me try it". She went to the fountain and drank 2 sips of water from it. After which she just stood for 2 sec and  it looked as if she was trying to analyze the taste of it. Then she looked at me with smile and said, "Hmmm..it is nice. Normal.", laughed in her peculiar way and walked to her office.
There a lot of other smaller experiences, nice and funny, that have happened after those first two day and by the end of the each day for the past two week, I am just in awe of her simplicity. 

Doug

I had decided to write this new blog yesterday and I am actually writing it today. Considering my usual laziness, this is pretty good. :)
The title of this post is Doug, because  I am going to write about Doug. Unfortunately I don't know his full name, but doesn't matter. Its not that important. Doug is a driver of the shuttle that takes me almost home from UMass. The drivers usually rotate on different routes, but he is there on my route once every week.

To describe him, he is old, about 55- 60 years old, all gray hair, rectangular specs about 5'5''. Now that I think about it, he looks almost like Clint Eastwood except the frown. But what I think is different about the guy is that he has a big, broad smile on his face. Always. For some reason for another he is always smiling and laughing. Always has a joke to tell or a funny story to share. This is one reason why I find this person really interesting and decided to share it.

So, it was about 7 30 yesterday when I left the school building, wearing my big heavy armor (my winter coat, its huge and heavy) and listening to music. I was walking  towards the shuttle that would take me almost home. Between the shuttle stop and the school building there is a big lawn which is not that well lit and so if you are walking over the lawn at night, all people can make out is your silhouette. When I had crossed half the lawn, Doug points at me and starts walking towards the shuttle behind his shuttle saying something to other driver and went back to his shuttle. When I entered the shuttle, as usual he had a joke ready. Since I usually don't understand American humor and also since I had a good song playing on my phone, I didn't listen to it. But then again he started pointing at me again and smiling. So, I removed my headphones and asked him what had happened.
Here is the story: The day before yesterday Doug had seem a guy like me wearing a big coat walking across the lawn, at about the same time. So, he opened-closed the door of the shuttle to signal that he was waiting for him. It seems the guy suddenly stopped looked at Doug and suddenly sat down on the grass. This time of the year its pretty cold and I think it was also raining a bit at that day. So, this weird behavior of that guy made all the passengers and Doug jump in their seat. he said he was scared a bit when he say the guy suddenly sit on the grass. :-D

But the funny part was, I was the second passenger. After me I guess 6 more people entered the shuttle and Doug told each of that person the same story, exact same words, pointing towards the dark lawn, to everyone. Even after repeating the story 6 times, the smile on his face never faded even a bit. The best part of it, according to me was that when the 6th lady entered the he asked her if she was there the day before yesterday when this thing happened. Unfortunately for him she wasn't. But then he said to himself (loudly), with a big smile on his face, "I have to find someone who say this! Man, we were surprised and scared! I have to find someone to share this with!".
A lot of people would have just forgotten about it. Just a boring story of a stupid guy for many. But Doug enjoyed it and was still enjoying. More than that he wish to share it as many people as he could. Isn't that a nice way to keep yourself entertained however boring your life may have become?